The worst feeling.

I had a pretty good day today. I went with one of my good friends to look at houses. No real point to it other than just to go and look. We had a good time and then we went to dinner after. I had kept my mind occupied all day. I get home and go to check my e-mail, and I find an message from my FRG talking about the events that took place in Kabul today. 5 US Soldiers killed by a suicide bomber. She was updating us that everyone in my Husbands unit is safe and accounted for. At frist I felt good that I had not known about it, I had nothing to worry about. Everything was fine.

But now I feel horrible. I had no idea what was going on. I had no clue that anything had gone wrong today. I feel horrible that it could have been my husband and I would have not known a thing about it. I would still be sitting here waiting to get an e-mail or message from him and it never come. Only to find out that something were wrong. How would I live with that? How could I deal with knowing that I missed it? I try not to watch the news because I dont want to hear about all of the bad things that happen over there. I always assumed that it would save me heartache and tears worrying about everything if I didn't know what was going on. But now I see how horribly wrong that is for me. I dont want to be blissfully ignorant to everything that is going on. But how do I watch and see everything that is happening and wait and wonder if everything is ok.

I hate that I did not know what was happening. I hate that there was a minute in time that I did not have a clue as to what was going on. Only to hear about it afterwords. I hate this feeling.

Kind of feeling down.

For whatever reason I just decided to look at my cousin's wife's facebook page. And i really wish I had not done it.

She is pregnant. I have been avoiding looking at her profile for some time now. Because it hurts. My cousin and I were born with in months of each other, and we were married with in just a few months of each other. And I and his wife got pregnant with in a few months of each other. But I was supposed to have my baby first. But I lost that baby. But then I got pregnant again before them. And once again before them. It hurts to know that we should already have our baby. (S)he should already be here. But instead Im sitting here on my period while my husband is in Afghanistan. Not knowing when my husband will be home, or when we will be able to TTC again.

We were really hoping that i would be pregnant again before he left. But Im not. And I get to sit here by myself and watch everyone else get the dream we wished for. Sometimes its just so depressing. Im counting down the days unitl my husband can come home and we can TTC again, instead of the days until baby will be here. I wish that miscarriages were not an issue, for anyone. I wish that we could have known what to do the last 3 times to possibly keep from having a miscarriage.