The worst feeling.

I had a pretty good day today. I went with one of my good friends to look at houses. No real point to it other than just to go and look. We had a good time and then we went to dinner after. I had kept my mind occupied all day. I get home and go to check my e-mail, and I find an message from my FRG talking about the events that took place in Kabul today. 5 US Soldiers killed by a suicide bomber. She was updating us that everyone in my Husbands unit is safe and accounted for. At frist I felt good that I had not known about it, I had nothing to worry about. Everything was fine.

But now I feel horrible. I had no idea what was going on. I had no clue that anything had gone wrong today. I feel horrible that it could have been my husband and I would have not known a thing about it. I would still be sitting here waiting to get an e-mail or message from him and it never come. Only to find out that something were wrong. How would I live with that? How could I deal with knowing that I missed it? I try not to watch the news because I dont want to hear about all of the bad things that happen over there. I always assumed that it would save me heartache and tears worrying about everything if I didn't know what was going on. But now I see how horribly wrong that is for me. I dont want to be blissfully ignorant to everything that is going on. But how do I watch and see everything that is happening and wait and wonder if everything is ok.

I hate that I did not know what was happening. I hate that there was a minute in time that I did not have a clue as to what was going on. Only to hear about it afterwords. I hate this feeling.