I suck at blogging.

So it of course has been a very long time since I last logged on here. I doubt anyone really reads this anymore. Lets see.. what is there important to tell.. DH is deployed again, this time a full year YA (UGH :P ). I am currently at 33 weeks and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our wonderful little boy Abel!!! Which keeps me preoccupied and not worrying about the deployment so much. Also, I am waiting for school to start back. YAY (no seriously I'm excited about this one). I'm sure to keep myself very busy while DH is gone. Newborn baby, full time college schedule, and (drum roll) getting back in shape.

Yes, I might be a bit insane.. Ok more like a lot. I have not been in "good" shape since oh about 7 years old. I mean I've always been skinny, and had a good BMI and all that jazz thanks to being blessed with a good metabolism. But actually 'In Shape' HA!! DH thinks that I am just making a bunch of talk about it, that I'm not really going to do it, but I will show him. I don't want to just be skinny, I want to be healthy and able to actually run. I mean seeing as how that is an important part of my chosen career path. Oh wait I have not told you much about that yet. I guess now is as good a time as any. I am going to school to get my Bachelor degree in Criminal Justice/Homeland Security with my sights currently set on landing a kick ass job with the feds, and you know they expect you to be able to chase people so I should probably put a bit of energy into getting into tip top shape. What better time to do this than after giving birth right?? (yes, I have already admitted that I am insane) See they way I figure it is since I plan on/hope to breast feeding I have to eat healthy any way, so that is the extra motivation in being sure to eat right. That leaves me with being active and exercising so I will make this my ME time.

My wonderful mother has not only offered to (basically told me this is the way it will be or else..) since she is retired to baby sit Abel while I am in class but also for me have time to do something for myself each week. Which of course you guessed it would be working out. You know, looking pretty freaking awesome for my husband when he gets home would be nice also.

I guess it is that time.

I have been avoiding this thing for a long time. I did not want to start writing about pregnancy and just have to stare at it when something went wrong. But I guess I have to bite the bullet sometime and just do it. So here is my first Weekly pregnancy up date.



How far along? 15 weeks 3 days

Weight gain/loss: a few pounds up.

Maternity clothes? No, just a bella band.

Stretch marks? not yet

Sleep? It is starting to get uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach.

Best moment this week? Breast leaking colostrum. This is a very big deal to me because I was always told that because of my burn scars I would never be able to breast feed.

Movement: Sometimes I think I feel a small twinge here and there but still not sure.

Food cravings: No cravings yet.

Gender: Everyone is thinking that it is a boy but nothing has been said by ultrasound yet

Labor signs? no

Belly button in or out? in

What I miss? I do not really miss anything yet.

What I am looking forward to? my next ultrasound and finding out what we are having.

Weekly wisdom: Fiber is your friend.

Not feeling to excited today.

I guess I am in a super pessimistic mood today but I just keep thinking that there is something wrong with this pregnancy. Because I keep seeing other women who have the same due date I do who Ovulated on the same day, but their beta levels were in the 50's the first day and 100's the second. Mine were 12, 45, and 91. Yes they doubled but I'm just so worried that the fact they are so low means something bad.

I'm going stir crazy.

It feels like time is going by so slowly. My first ultrasound is December 10th and it feels like it is months away. I have spend the past few days looking at every website and baby book I can find. Like I have not read most of them by this point anyhow. I am counting down until the 10th I can not wait until it gets here. I just really hope that Jesse is able to go with me to it. I don't want to do it alone.

OMG is it real?!?!

I couldn't believe it when I saw it this morning at 10 DO. I had my first beta today it was 12, so their sensitivity is obviously lower than 50. I go back thursday for a second beta. I'm cautiously excited. According to Fertility Friend I am 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant and Due July 30th 2011.

It's been a while.

So it has been quite some time since I last update the blog world on what was going on with me. DH is home now thank god it is so nice having him back. We are moved in to our new house, which I love, and things are starting to look up.
I am now going to a different doctor off base who is doing a lot more for me than the RE I was seeing on base. I start taking my clomid today and then I go in on the 30th for an u/s to see how things are going with that, and just kind of take it day by day from there. I am so excited to be seeing a new RE hopefully things will prove to be more successful with her in the not so distant future.

The worst feeling.

I had a pretty good day today. I went with one of my good friends to look at houses. No real point to it other than just to go and look. We had a good time and then we went to dinner after. I had kept my mind occupied all day. I get home and go to check my e-mail, and I find an message from my FRG talking about the events that took place in Kabul today. 5 US Soldiers killed by a suicide bomber. She was updating us that everyone in my Husbands unit is safe and accounted for. At frist I felt good that I had not known about it, I had nothing to worry about. Everything was fine.

But now I feel horrible. I had no idea what was going on. I had no clue that anything had gone wrong today. I feel horrible that it could have been my husband and I would have not known a thing about it. I would still be sitting here waiting to get an e-mail or message from him and it never come. Only to find out that something were wrong. How would I live with that? How could I deal with knowing that I missed it? I try not to watch the news because I dont want to hear about all of the bad things that happen over there. I always assumed that it would save me heartache and tears worrying about everything if I didn't know what was going on. But now I see how horribly wrong that is for me. I dont want to be blissfully ignorant to everything that is going on. But how do I watch and see everything that is happening and wait and wonder if everything is ok.

I hate that I did not know what was happening. I hate that there was a minute in time that I did not have a clue as to what was going on. Only to hear about it afterwords. I hate this feeling.

Kind of feeling down.

For whatever reason I just decided to look at my cousin's wife's facebook page. And i really wish I had not done it.

She is pregnant. I have been avoiding looking at her profile for some time now. Because it hurts. My cousin and I were born with in months of each other, and we were married with in just a few months of each other. And I and his wife got pregnant with in a few months of each other. But I was supposed to have my baby first. But I lost that baby. But then I got pregnant again before them. And once again before them. It hurts to know that we should already have our baby. (S)he should already be here. But instead Im sitting here on my period while my husband is in Afghanistan. Not knowing when my husband will be home, or when we will be able to TTC again.

We were really hoping that i would be pregnant again before he left. But Im not. And I get to sit here by myself and watch everyone else get the dream we wished for. Sometimes its just so depressing. Im counting down the days unitl my husband can come home and we can TTC again, instead of the days until baby will be here. I wish that miscarriages were not an issue, for anyone. I wish that we could have known what to do the last 3 times to possibly keep from having a miscarriage.

Time to say goodbye for now.

It really just seems like this deployment has snuck up and slapped me in the face. I only found out on the 2nd that he was being deployed, but I guess I had just not thought about it much until recently. I know I'm not supposed to say on here exactly when he is leaving, so I guess I will just tell you that it is very soon. I'm starting to basically freak out a little now. I feel like I have not spent anytime with just him. Ever since he got back from Haiti there has either been a motorcycle ride or a family function every weekend. I dont really know what to do. I feel like have to put on that strong face and act like everything is ok so that he wont worry about me. But at the same time I just want to tell him how scared I am.

Creation of a blog.

For the longest time I never thought I would ever have a blog. It just didn't seem like something I would use. Yeah I like my facebook and being able to keep up with friends, but I really just didn't understand writing about whatever you feel that day and putting it out there to be read by anyone on the Internet. But I guess now things have changed. I feel like I need somewhere for me just to talk about me, my feelings and thoughts. I know selfish right?

I guess I should probably say a little something about myself.
I'm Ashley. I grew up in a small country town, and couldn't wait for the day that I could get out and go to college. While off at college I met the man that I feel in love with. We got married in February 2009 and moved back to that same small town. My husband is in the Army, we have been through one small deployment together when he was sent to Haiti.

We decided that we were ready to start our own little family in May of 2009, and we started TTC. It did not take very long at all for me to get pregnant. On August 31, 2009 I took a pregnancy test and it showed the most wonderful word in the world. I was scared and excited all at the same time. I would be expecting my precious baby on May 1, 2010. Everything seemed to be going great until the day that my world came crashing down. I woke up on Tuesday October 6th and had to use the bathroom. I noticed some pink on the TP, I just brushed it off as nothing because I had seen on thebump.com where everyone was talking about spotting being normal, so I just got in the shower to get ready for class. By the time that I got out of the shower I was having a little heavier spotting. I just sat there and prayed that it was not what I thought it was.

I left to go to class and everything seemed to be ok again. I kept going to the bathroom during ever break to check and make sure there was no more blood, and I had almost calmed myself down. But then I had to use the bathroom, and that is when I looked and noticed all of the blood. I left class and went to the ER. They confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. I had continued to carry my baby to almost 11 weeks, but (s)he had only made it to 5 and a half weeks. I was beyond devastated. I did nothing but cry for days, until I couldn't cry anymore. I had my precious baby ripped from me.

The doctors told me to wait one cycle and we could get back to TTC, so we did, and yet again we got pregnant right before Christmas. I told all of our family at Christmas. A day later I was in the ER for bleeding. They could not figure out what was going on. My hcg levels were very low but still going up, and no sign of it being ectopic. The Doctors had no idea what was causing it. But then on January 7th 2010 I had my second miscarriage.

I really just did not know what to do now. I felt like a failure, I could not do one of the main things that I was meant to do. All while I was having my 2nd miscarriage my husband was in the Field training for the Army. He was able to come home to comfort me for a few days but then he had to go back out. A week after having the miscarriage we found out that he was going to be deployed to Haiti to help with the earthquake.

While getting ready for him to leave we were not really paying any attention to anything else. TTC had been put on hold. Then we go the biggest surprise ever, I found out I was pregnant again for the 3rd time exactly one week after he was deployed. We were both so very excited. It just seemed like it was meant to be. We got pregnant on accident right before he was supposed to deploy. But yet again only to have another miscarriage on 2/16/10.

I have been diagnosed with Infertility because of habitual abortions. Right now we are finally back to TTC one last time before He leaves for Afghanistan. And time is running out, he is leaving very soon. This has to be the most stressful 2ww ever. However hopefully this time if I get pregnant again we have a plan for keeping this baby alive. I have been diagnosed with a clotting factor, Protein S, I don't know too much about it just yet but I have been put on an aspirin a day, and as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test I'm going on Progesterone, hopefully this will bring us to our forever baby.

So I suppose this is enough information for me to share for the night.