I guess it is that time.

I have been avoiding this thing for a long time. I did not want to start writing about pregnancy and just have to stare at it when something went wrong. But I guess I have to bite the bullet sometime and just do it. So here is my first Weekly pregnancy up date.



How far along? 15 weeks 3 days

Weight gain/loss: a few pounds up.

Maternity clothes? No, just a bella band.

Stretch marks? not yet

Sleep? It is starting to get uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach.

Best moment this week? Breast leaking colostrum. This is a very big deal to me because I was always told that because of my burn scars I would never be able to breast feed.

Movement: Sometimes I think I feel a small twinge here and there but still not sure.

Food cravings: No cravings yet.

Gender: Everyone is thinking that it is a boy but nothing has been said by ultrasound yet

Labor signs? no

Belly button in or out? in

What I miss? I do not really miss anything yet.

What I am looking forward to? my next ultrasound and finding out what we are having.

Weekly wisdom: Fiber is your friend.

Not feeling to excited today.

I guess I am in a super pessimistic mood today but I just keep thinking that there is something wrong with this pregnancy. Because I keep seeing other women who have the same due date I do who Ovulated on the same day, but their beta levels were in the 50's the first day and 100's the second. Mine were 12, 45, and 91. Yes they doubled but I'm just so worried that the fact they are so low means something bad.

I'm going stir crazy.

It feels like time is going by so slowly. My first ultrasound is December 10th and it feels like it is months away. I have spend the past few days looking at every website and baby book I can find. Like I have not read most of them by this point anyhow. I am counting down until the 10th I can not wait until it gets here. I just really hope that Jesse is able to go with me to it. I don't want to do it alone.

OMG is it real?!?!

I couldn't believe it when I saw it this morning at 10 DO. I had my first beta today it was 12, so their sensitivity is obviously lower than 50. I go back thursday for a second beta. I'm cautiously excited. According to Fertility Friend I am 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant and Due July 30th 2011.

It's been a while.

So it has been quite some time since I last update the blog world on what was going on with me. DH is home now thank god it is so nice having him back. We are moved in to our new house, which I love, and things are starting to look up.
I am now going to a different doctor off base who is doing a lot more for me than the RE I was seeing on base. I start taking my clomid today and then I go in on the 30th for an u/s to see how things are going with that, and just kind of take it day by day from there. I am so excited to be seeing a new RE hopefully things will prove to be more successful with her in the not so distant future.

The worst feeling.

I had a pretty good day today. I went with one of my good friends to look at houses. No real point to it other than just to go and look. We had a good time and then we went to dinner after. I had kept my mind occupied all day. I get home and go to check my e-mail, and I find an message from my FRG talking about the events that took place in Kabul today. 5 US Soldiers killed by a suicide bomber. She was updating us that everyone in my Husbands unit is safe and accounted for. At frist I felt good that I had not known about it, I had nothing to worry about. Everything was fine.

But now I feel horrible. I had no idea what was going on. I had no clue that anything had gone wrong today. I feel horrible that it could have been my husband and I would have not known a thing about it. I would still be sitting here waiting to get an e-mail or message from him and it never come. Only to find out that something were wrong. How would I live with that? How could I deal with knowing that I missed it? I try not to watch the news because I dont want to hear about all of the bad things that happen over there. I always assumed that it would save me heartache and tears worrying about everything if I didn't know what was going on. But now I see how horribly wrong that is for me. I dont want to be blissfully ignorant to everything that is going on. But how do I watch and see everything that is happening and wait and wonder if everything is ok.

I hate that I did not know what was happening. I hate that there was a minute in time that I did not have a clue as to what was going on. Only to hear about it afterwords. I hate this feeling.

Kind of feeling down.

For whatever reason I just decided to look at my cousin's wife's facebook page. And i really wish I had not done it.

She is pregnant. I have been avoiding looking at her profile for some time now. Because it hurts. My cousin and I were born with in months of each other, and we were married with in just a few months of each other. And I and his wife got pregnant with in a few months of each other. But I was supposed to have my baby first. But I lost that baby. But then I got pregnant again before them. And once again before them. It hurts to know that we should already have our baby. (S)he should already be here. But instead Im sitting here on my period while my husband is in Afghanistan. Not knowing when my husband will be home, or when we will be able to TTC again.

We were really hoping that i would be pregnant again before he left. But Im not. And I get to sit here by myself and watch everyone else get the dream we wished for. Sometimes its just so depressing. Im counting down the days unitl my husband can come home and we can TTC again, instead of the days until baby will be here. I wish that miscarriages were not an issue, for anyone. I wish that we could have known what to do the last 3 times to possibly keep from having a miscarriage.